Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fan Mail

I want to start out by thanking anyone who has ever spent the time to send fan mail my way. I now want to apologize to the fans who sent in mail between 2008 and now because you haven't gotten shit back. Luckily the mail is not lost and in a turn of great fortune, I found over 1000 letters packed into a box in my basement today! It takes a long ass time to read 1000 letters, but once I began there was no stopping. I swear I personally read every letter, signed every card and photo. I'm sure a bunch of people are going to be pretty damn surprised to get their letters back in the the mail.

Please consider if you've sent mail and moved in the last three years, I hope you left a return address. Also taken into consideration was the cost of stamps. When received in 2008, the price of mailing a regular letter was .42 cents, which has now went up .02 cents, but no worries, I have covered all return costs. I'm sure the postal employees will enjoy selling me thousands of 2 cent stamps.

Now I would love to share some of the ups, downs, insanity, genius, lunacy, happiness and fanatical excitement that I enjoyed for most of my day.

Again, thanks to everyone for sending me such kind and thoughtful packages. I swear after sorting through every letter there was not one serious negative message. Keep in mind that the mail was no more recent than 2009 so I may get murdered in the next batch.

- If there are any Costanza envelopes I'm going to be f@%ing pissed. Probably shouldn't have, but I licked about 300 return envelopes. I made it through the day so I think I'm good. The peel and stick envelopes are much better. Buy those.

- Quick apology to all the school extra credit letters. I should have written back to you guys. It's awesome that you choose me for a school project and really cool that you wrote to me. I'm sure a ton of time went into that. I'm also sure that I'm gonna miss the semester deadline on return.

- To Austins Big and Tall. Quit sending me 20% off cards. I don't shop there. I'm sure you have good stuff, but fortunately I fit into the last size in all department stores. 38/34 and XL usually works out just fine in Nordstroms.

- To all Real Estate agents. First of all I have an agent, she's awesome. I also have about four houses in the area. No chance am I going to buy the 7.5 million dollar house in your brochure, or any house for that matter. Real estate goes straight into the trash - I'm pretty sure and by pretty sure I mean 99.9% that no house will be sold through a mail in brochure to Redskins Park.

- Katie, would have loved to attend the princess party on 10/24/09.

- Huge thanks to Karen for the $25.00 check to my scholarship fund. I'm sorry I never got that cashed, but don't you worry any longer, I'll void it for you and make sure I donate $25.00 more this year. So thoughtful.

- Emmitt, I will call or at least text Jason Campbell and Santana tomorrow and tell them what's up for you. It's been a long time coming.

- All the thank you letters to me for our breast cancer charities were very nice. So amazing to hear all the stories of these women. Breast cancer is shit. Keep fighting.

- Inmate mail is almost always a first read. I don't know why I'm fascinated by inmate mail, but I think a lot of the guys are. I had a few of those letters and was a little surprised by the text being quite short. Thought they had more time on their hands.

- To all financial advisers. I am well aware the average career of a NFL player is 3.5 years. I'm also certain that I need to continue to save for my future. I've actually formulated a pretty solid financial plan so I won't be needing any more solicitation via my Redskins fan mail box.

- Miranda - Tell your dad what's up for me. It's awesome that he's been a fan for 20 years. Well, 22 years now.

-I would prefer not to receive religious materials. No bibles, no bible DVD's and for the love of god, no Book of Mormons! I have made a very informed decision on my beliefs and am comfortable with my style of life. I don't go throwing "Religulous" DVD's in your front door because you've been saved, so I would just expect the same.

- Received at less than 10 Flat Stanley cutouts. Pretty wild. Sorry guys, Stanley is a home body. He didn't get out for many pictures.

- I should have counted the football cards I signed. No less that 500. If you want cards signed don't send really cool ones. It's hard for me to part with the awesome cards.

- If you want blue sharpie on your autograph please send blue sharpie in the package. If I grab a black one and sit down with a couple hundred letters, I'm not getting up because Steve's collection requires blue. Just the facts.

- I literally could have attended 25 weddings across the country. Congrats to all the brides and grooms circa 2008. It's almost a certainty I would drank too much and embarrassed your family at the wedding. Everyone has seen the picks from my wedding, so it's probably for the best I didn't come. Although I probably won't attend, if you're having a wedding soon, please keep in mind that an invite is in my top 5 favorite fan mail items. I'll leave the address at the bottom. Wes, your football ticket invites were awesome, but tell your wife she looks like a slut in that Cowboys jersey.

- Listened to the CD from the band "Shitt." Not a huge fan of death metal so I can't give a formal opinion either way. Gotta say though, I was pretty pumped to open this package.

- There is no way so many fans have followed my career since I was at Utah State. It's a nice gesture, but lets be honest here, Utah State football isn't a huge draw for the vast majority of NFL fans.

- Professional football players getting naked photos in the mail is a myth. I could have sworn when I started receiving fan mail that I was going to be getting all kinds of nasty shit. Have never seen them. Not just in my box, I have never seen one lude photo. Ever.... Lame.

- William - It's awesome being a pro football player. I always dreamed of playing the game I love as a career and the benefits that go with it are unreal. I love playing for the Redskins.

- Jake - The last fish I caught was a trout. I have a boat and go out on the Potomac a ton, but am the most terrible bass fisherman of all time. I also have the worst fishing luck ever. Now I know everyone who has ever caught a fish is saying that they could take me to their special place and dominate fish, but don't buy into it. If you take me fishing we will catch less fish than you have ever before. Proven with more than 20 excellent fisherman. If you know anyone who has ever fished with me they will verify.

- Please write legibly. It's cute if I can tell you less than ten years old, but if you have such shitty hand-writing that you can't even read it yourself, then just type the letter. It's actually faster. And has spell check. (Which I usually don't use.)

- Thanks for all the Birthday and Holiday cards. My birthday is July 11. Feel free to send me a B-day card anytime. I also love the holiday cards. Nice of people. Family photos are a plus.

- Anyways, it was a ton of fun sharing just a couple of the fan mail topics that I find interesting back to all the fans. There is a ton more, so maybe I'll have to do this again in a couple weeks when I continue to get up to date on the rest of the letter. Thanks again to all the people who took the time to write. I know I'm a little sarcastic about some of the stuff, but it's an honor and a privilege to receive all the wonderful mail.

Finally I would like to end with a couple tips to fan mailing.

1. If you want an autograph it would be best to first include the item you want signed.

2. Include a stamped envelope. - And if you really know me include the extra couple cents, cause it may be that long before I get to it. I will never get an envelope, address and stamp it before sending it on its way home. I guess I'm a jerk.

3. I love receiving fan mail, but you gotta make it look different. I definitely go through the strangest looking letters first.

4. Mail to Chris Cooley at 21300 Redskin Park Drive Ashburn Va 20147.

Facebook Comments


I've never written NFL fan mail because I never thought a player would actually ever receive it! This is AWESOME to read that Captain Chaos is reading everything!

You know that some guy is going to send you some Favre-esque "junk" mail for laughs.

Just buy forever stamps - no need to worry about the increase!

And on topic - thanks!!! And I see what you did there commenting about not getting naked photos...

Smooth move...i'm sure you get 50-100 by the start of football season...

My bday is 7/11/85! Fuck yeah! Always hated that my zodiac sign was called cancer. How lame.

Go skins!


Chris, Im super impressed at your level of fan support. I don't think I've ever heard of an athlete doing that before.

I'm still sad I didn't get to work with you in Ghosts Don't Exist. That must have been a lot of fun.

I'm actually rehabbing myself from surgery right now. Back in December my stomach sort of exploded from Chrohns disease.

3 months later I'm still getting everything sorted out.

I haven't been able to work still but fortunately most of my bills have been paid through charity so far.

If you get a chance check me out at http://www.joshuadudley.blogspot.com

I write some funny stuff and deal with my illness and injury in a unique way.

Thanks Chris for being an awesome tight end and great guy.

Also that real estate stuff was funny.

Okay, so I had to respond to this because (a) it's hilarous, and (b) I wanted to tell you to keep your eye out for my wedding invitation! Since you met my friend, Wendy (also my bridesmaid) and her husband, Chris while they were honeymooning in Mexico, I thought you might want to come to Iowa to party with them again. You won't have an ocean to look at, but the bar will be open!

And tell your wife she really should come to Vegas with us, too :)


Seriously, I never thought you guys got the stuff, but now that I know, I'm sending you a thing or two. Will you get your mail with the lock-out in effect?

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