Thursday, January 29, 2009

Paint by Numbers 2


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Paint by Numbers

Sorry that it has been a few days since my last post. I took on a new project and it has kept me plenty busy. So, since I haven't written, I thought it would be cool to show you what I have been doing. Check it out and tell me what you think...


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

FWG: Senior Bowl Interview. FWG on hold.

Saturday night the top seniors from across the country gathered in Mobile, Alabama to play in the Nation’s most prestigious all-star game, The Senior Bowl. Through out the year college football practices are infested with clip-board laden scouts. The senior bowl is different. It’s head coaches, general managers, and distinguished front office personnel making the trip to see the “goods” themselves.

I know that Chris Cooley had his own interesting run in with Bill Parcells during his 2004 Senior Bowl experience. A conversation amounting something to the effect of you’re a special-teamer. 6th or 7th round at best. Sorry kid. Well 5 years and a 2007 Pro-Bowl appearance later, even the Tuna can be wrong.

The senior bowl is where draft stock can rise or fall, metaphorical fortunes can be gained and squandered over the course of the week.

So my friend and “sometimes-roommate” (read: his girlfriend is actually my roommate, and there were a few slumber-parties) is one of those guys who’s draft stock rose significantly during the week of practice of the Senior Bowl was offensive tackle Will Beatty.

Before I get into what ESPN.COM is calling “a dominating, eye opening weak of practice” by Beatty, let me first clue you into some inside info about the man who will soon be playing on Sundays.

Will Beatty is a cheater. Don’t take that the wrong way, all offensive linemen are cheaters. Tight Ends too (sorry Chris). They hold, grab, punch, and spit knowing damn well that the refs will only call a fraction of these violations in order to preserve what they call the “flow of the game.” Great for O-linemen, awful for D-linemen. On our team Beatty was the number one violator, taking full advantage of this. He is also the most athletically gifted linemen I’ve ever had the displeasure of going up against.

A relative unknown before the season Beatty is now being projected as a 1st or 2nd rounder, currently ranked the 6th best offensive linemen in this years draft. I got the opportunity to talk with Will. Here’s the interview:

FWG: Oh so now you pick up? And I had to call Cody (Brown)’s phone to get you”
Will Beatty: My bad my dude, busy here. Doin’ my thing
FWG: I get it. So you are reppin’ UConn?
WB: Yeah man. No question.
FWG: Are you watching ESPN?
WB: (laughs) Yeah. I’m trying to see if my draft stock is rising of falling.
FWG: So am I.
WB: (noises in the background)
FWG: You’re not even talking to me are you?
(more noises, no response)
FWG: Will? Really? You’re doing this right now?
WB: Tickets. Their doing tickets
FWG: You’re not making sense.
WB: Sorry. The screwed up my tickets. I got 64 tickets to the game and they screwed them up.
FWG: What’s the best part of being in Mobile?
WB: Hanging out and practicing with the best of the best
FWG: Who’s impressed you the most?
WB: Seeing receivers go out and catch the ball. Staying on their feet. Shit we never saw at Uconn.
FWG: This is going to be on Chris Cooley’s website. Anything to say to the Redskins fan?
WB: Maybe I’ll see them at FedEx next year.

NBC Super Bowl Breakdown (and dogs)

Monday, January 26, 2009

TC: NHL All Stars

Anytime you can pull off the fishing hat and shades on the ice and score a goal with the opposite hand you are a bad ass in my book. Ovechkin for MVP 2009.



Also, I can't wait to ask him about the dancing girls on the jumbotron. I have been caught doing some good things on there but never checking out the fans.

E-City’s...More Like E-Shitty’s.

Firstly, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Preston, however you may call me “P-Dizzle” or “Dizzle”, both nicknames were given to me by Yodes and Cooley. Chris and I are great friends, and this being my first post I wanted to just briefly give you the readers a bit of background on my relationship with number 47. We began hanging out about a year ago. Around that same time I met Yodes, who is one of my favorite people on this earth. The three of us began dicking around, golfing, playing cards, and taking the wives out. More recently it has been trips to A.C. and this Friday on a plane headed to Vegas with the wives! Chris and “I believe in a lot of the same things.” We both genuinely love life and find the humor in just about everything, from the absurd; like the hideously ugly girl at Clyde’s’ proclaiming her love for Jason Witten…. (seriously; followed by a bitch ass to Chris…Priceless! By the way she was maybe the ugliest thing I have ever seen….threw up in my mouth a little bit.) or the random stalker on the way home from the Caps game, as long as we come out unscathed then we can usually laugh about it later. So now that the introductions are complete, (nice to meet you as well) I think you will all enjoy the story below describing a typical night out with a twist of the random thrown in for laughs. Enjoy.


Cools, Yodes, the wives and me sat down to enjoy a lovely diner at Bonaroti’s in Vienna Friday night. Chris and I had planned Friday’s events, from meetings in the morning, to dinner with Sergio, and on to a bar for drinks and laughs earlier in the week. So as I woke up on Friday I was excited that Saturday I would have one hell of a hangover. I get to Chris’s house by 11:30 we hang out play a little Madden 2009, (which has now turned into an epic battle) and have our scheduled meeting. Fast forward to my house. It is important to note that we never drink and drive, so Chris is on the phone trying to find us a car, I am in the shower and the wives, are talking about what we are going to do in Vegas next weekend.
“You ready” I ask everyone.
“Dizzle we are just going to get a cab from E-City’s home, I got you guys one to should be like $20 from Tyson’s to Fairfax, cool?” Chris says.
“Yeah whatever, I am just excited to get a little drunk, and mess with Sue (Yoder).
"
We pack up jump in my car and head over to Bonaroti’s. The food, the wine and the company were amazing as always. We always have fun watching Sergio yell at this one waiter, in Spanish, or Italian, and sometimes a hybrid of the two languages melded together. We pay the check and get ready for a fun filed night at a favorite dive bar E-City’s.

At this point I need to take you all back in time to September of 2008. A very similar day to the one described above, a night in which the six of us again found ourselves at E-City’s drinking, dancing and having a great time. At some point, no one to this day knows how, or why or what happened but a waitress I believe her name was Meghan, singles me out and starts swearing and is very upset that we are there. She tells me that we are not a big deal and that we should leave! Subsequently, after many failed attempts to communicate with her in an effort to discover why she has such feelings of animosity towards us, she lashes out and calls my wife the “C” word. OH NO YOU DIDN’T. Now Sue is in on the action I am totally confused, no one has any idea why this Psycho waitress just snapped and my wife is screaming at this crazy lady! Okay you guys got the picture.

Back to January 23,2009, we arrive at E-City’s. Walk through the front door, pay the weird looking lunch-lady at the front door, and I am stopped dead in my tracks.
“What’s your name?” the overweight poorly dressed, sweaty, manager asks.
Let me describe to you how poorly dressed this guy was. He was 5'8”tall had a red dress shirt on, weighed a lot, and had a bright white tie on. He looked like a big fat hairy, sweaty, candy cane!
“What?” I ask.
At this point Chris is standing next to me finishing his diet Red Bulls and he looks at the guy and says:
Paul Scholes
“No, your Chris’s business manager.” The overweight, five dollar an hour bouncer, buffoon, dressed like a candy cane proclaims.
“Chris we love you but your friend is not allowed in.”
“What!” Chris says.
“Yeah this guy was taking his close off and gave my staff a hard time last time he was here.” The cognitively limited, a chimpanzee can do your job, clown, dressed like a candy cane states.
“You can’t be serious, your fucking waitress called my wife a C and told us she wished we would all leave last time we were in here. “ I say.
“No she didn’t” the retarded, gangster- wanna-be, jerk off, dressed like candy cane reports.
“We’re leaving” Chris says.
At this point I am pissed. I am not the kind of guy that gets thrown out of anywhere, yet a lone a shitty bar, where old people go to meet other old people and attempt to dance to music they hear on their kids, Ipods.. I mean seriously, this place is pathetic and that is why we would go, it was great for a laugh.
“Your Fing retarded, nice tie fag” I yell as we leave.
“Dizzle come on lets go, F-it, he’s not worth it” Yoder says calmly as he is literally carrying me out the door.
“Your right Yodes.”
At this point we are back in the car and my wife, who had not been drinking, is driving us all and I am now being assaulted by Cooley, yelling that I got thrown out of E-City’s! The worst bar in the world! We laugh about it. Chalk it up as an experience and head over to Ned Devines in Herdon. To which I would like to thank the staff for a great night!

In conclusion if you are a fan of Cooley than you cannot be a fan of E-Citys!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

FWG: Interview with Donny Brown

Donny Brown is UCONN’s all time leading rusher. He holds every major rushing record and is probably the best player ever to come out of Storrs. After much speculation he decided to forgo his final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. It should also be noted that he is probably the world’s most humble running back. He is the first to defer credit to his offensive line and last to blame anyone but himself. Donny Brown, the ultimate competitor is a projected 1st to 2nd round draft pick. Here is my interview with him.

Fat White Guy: Donny Brown! How’s it hanging my man?
Donny Brown: It’s hanging.
FWG: Heard you were in New Haven this weekend. Not even a heads up for your boy? I had to find out from an ex lover?
DB: Sorry man, I just flew in for the weekend..
FWG: (cuts him off) yeah yeah yeah. Alright I gotta ask you some questions. That cool?
DB: Yeah that’s fine.
FWG: So what agency did you end up signing with?
DB: Athletes first, CEO David Dunn. It came down to comfort level. It came down to who the straight shooters were.
FWG: Was it tough going through the agent-finding process while still “in season”, and keeping your decision to go to the next level between you and your family?
DB: Honestly, I didn’t deal with any agency stuff until the season was over. I let my parents handle it, they updated me here and there but I wasn’t making any decisions until [UCONN] was done.
FWG: As far as your NFL Draft Rating where are they thinking you will go.
DB: Right now the average of the 10 teams they surveyed was a 2nd round draft grade.
FWG: Have you received your invite to the combine yet?
DB: Juniors receive a later invite, but you can count on it. I’ll be there.
FWG: Where are you training for the combine?
DB: Velocity in Irving California
FWG: As far as combine testing goes. What’s your greatest strength? Physical or Mental?
DB: A mixture of both. I’ll do pretty good on and off the field. Of the 4 days of the combine, the majority is off the field stuff. Only the last day is physical.
FWG: The NFL is notorious for doing thorough background checks. Are you worried about them finding some ex girlfriend or former lovers?
DB: (long pause)--laugher--No Comment
FWG: No Comment? Come on.
DB: They don’t ask ex-lovers, dude.
FWG: You got skeletons in your closet?
DB: (laughing) No. Asshole. The deepest they go is high school coaches.
FWG: You shop at Vitamin Shoppe and not GNC
DB: Yeah. I like the deals.
FWG: Alright that’s it. Any words of wisdom for anyone else out there who might take an interest in your career?
DB: (laughing) Not a thing.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS:

Some huge moments in American History yesterday.
I keep seeing that inauguration video. The motorcade with Obama and Bush riding in the same car together. I couldn’t help but think what they were saying to each other:
“Toilet paper is in the closet third shelf down, extra staples in the top right drawer….whatever you do don’t pick up the red phone”

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Fatpickle: The NFL Hall Of Fame System Is Flawed

I was at a Super Bowl party at a friend's house back in Feb. 2004. Joe Jacoby was at the party, and I kinda know Joe from being in the same line of business. So I'm saddled up next to him at the buffet line when I strike up a conversation.

Fatpickle: "Our boy Art got F'd again, huh?"

Joe Jacoby (all 6 foot 6 inches of him, glares down at me and says):

"He's not the only one."

I quietly grabbed a few more bacon wrapped scallops and retreated to a happy place. And I realized, yeah, he's not the only one. The Redskins had a dynasty from 1982-1991, and until last year only one player was in the Hall of Fame? How about Jacoby, Mosely, Grimm, Bostic, Clark, Mann, and Manley. The HOF system is flawed!
How else can Art Monk be denied 7 times? I don't need to get into the reasons why Art should have been a first ballot Hall of Famer, anyone who knows anything about football would have voted him in first ballot. The ultimate slap in the face was voting Michael Irvin into the Hall before Monk. I guess when considering a Wide Receiver, pushing off gives you extra points? Is there a special wing in the Hall for offensive pass interference?

The Hall of Fame balloting is like some super secret club. Secret ballots, secret meetings. This much we do know, the wizards behind the curtain are Peter King and Dr. Z. They single handily kept Monk out of the Hall all those years. And with all due respect to Dr. Z, who is recovering from a series of strokes (get well soon), these guys piss me off to no end. What we have is a bunch of sportswriters who have never played football, who are voting players in or out. So, if you blew off Peter King a couple times for an interview 10 years ago, it's probably going to come back to F you in the long run. However, if you text him inside info, or grab a bite to eat with him, your getting in the Hall. And since I've got a sports blog, why can't I vote? Chris, your good to go since you granted me this interview. If you had blown me off, LJ Smith would be in the Hall before you are!

All of that brings me to Russ Grimm, Mr. Hog. Russ is the one thing left this year for Redskin's fans to cheer for. He's a finalist for the Hall of Fame for the 5th consecutive season. He's also a coach for the Arizona Cardinals, and is a candidate for head coaching positions. He could possibly have the greatest week of his life next week. Hall of Fame on Saturday, Super Bowl win on Sunday, Head Coach on Monday. I'm pulling for you Russ.

Here's my choices for the NFL Hall of Fame 2009

Shannon Sharpe - He retired with every TE record you could have. That didn't mean anything for Art Monk, but I hope it does for Shannon. I'm assuming he was one of Chris's idols?

Bruce Smith - One of the greatest of all-time. Not so much with the Redskins.

Rod Woodson - Simply one of the best ever at the Cornerback position. Also a game changer on special teams.

Chris Carter - Now that Art is in, you can put Carter in. All he does is catch touchdowns. Nope, if he did, he'd have over 1,100!

Russ Grimm - 4 time All-Pro and Pro Bowler, 3 Super Bowl rings. The best offensive lineman for the most well-known offensive line in NFL history. Mr. Hog

FYI to all fans out there. Thru their first 5 seasons, CC has 64 more catches, 1,291 more yards, and 11 more TD's than Shannon Sharpe. And I just voted Sharpe first ballot Hall of Famer! It's not too early for one of you fine readers out their to start a Chris Cooley for Hall of Fame website. You could be the one to start it, godaddy.

Cheers and Hail

Friday, January 23, 2009

TC: 24 Hours at Sundance Part 2

11:00 am - After getting picked up from the Sandy Cohan mishap we made our way to lunch. On the way I officially became scared for my life. D-Watts ran 2 red lights and didn't seem to care much for our general safety. More on Watt's driving later...

12:30 pm - With a full stomach and a racing mind (always feel like that after meeting with Chris and Jake) D-Watts and I headed to Park City in one car and Chris and Jake in another. On the way Watts decided that my iPhone navigation wasn't trustworthy and we made about 4 wrong turns and ran another red light before arriving in Park City.

12:45 pm - Lost in the center of PC I rang Jake to ask directions.
"Where are you?" He kept asking.
"I don't know? I think we're...Swede Street. We're on Swede Street."
"Where is that?"
"I don't know where the fuck..."
"I see you. You made it."
1:45 pm - When we first got to the LRG suite I didn't know what to expect. We were greeted by about 20 different dudes with different titles and different stuff to give. There was Wii, Skull Candy, G-Shock, LRG, Stella Artois. We met some interesting people including Soupy Jones who was competing in an online reality show with Ashton Kutcher.

But when all was said and done (after about a half hour of gladhanding, photos, videos...) the four of us found ourselves sitting in the middle of the room just talking with each other. If it wasn't for Kevin D from LRG I'm not sure what we would have done.

3:00 pm - Everything that we saw at Sundance took place on Main Street. There were paparazzi, fans, and stars. I think Kevin noticed we were getting bored and so he took us out to see the show. Even on the streets of Utah Chris couldn't hide. We ran into this kid that Chris and Jake went to high school with and this is what I caught from their conversation,
Guy: DUDE! Chris! What's up man?
CC: Uh...hey.
Guy: It's me (name)! We went to high school together.
I can tell by the look on Chris's face that he has no clue who this interesting fellow is but entertains the kid's thought that he does.
CC: Oh ya. What's up man? How've you been?
Guy: So good buddy.
At this point he whips out a spiral notebook.
Guy: I got so many autographs! Dude, look, Andy McDonald, Tom Arnold... (remembers who Chris is) ... Will you sign it!?
CC: Sure man.
As Chris is signing the kid proceeds to ask Chris for his cell phone number, home address, a picture, his birth certificate, you name it and this kid wanted it. Chris finally got off the hook by asking "Guy" if he remembered Jake, from high school as well. As Guy and Jake were chatting we slipped into the Def Jam suite.

5:00 pm - Considering the fact that we booked our tickets for this trip on Thursday and we left for Utah on Saturday, we didn't have time to book a hotel. Luckily for us, Kevin Curtis has a home in the mountains and generously allowed us to borrow it for the night. So after going non-stop for the last 15 hours we decided it might be a good idea to take our stuff over there and chill out for a while. Over the mountains and through the woods to Curtis's house we went....no exaggeration. The dude lives IN the mountains.

6:00 pm - After meeting the crew at Kevin's and chilling out for an hour we started to get hungry. Usually when Chris comes to Utah he only eats at places that aren't available on the east coast. So even though it was about an hour away we had to go to Rodizio Grill. I'm not kidding you when I tell you that this place is a 10. You order the Full Rodizio then sit back and enjoy the ride. My mouth is watering just thinking about it.

9:54 pm - We have now been up for 20 straight hours and are driving through a dark canyon with quite possibly the worst driver I've never been in a car when Death was the #1 thought in my mind (Sorry Watts, you know its true). We jerked and sped our way though the night continuously reminding our driver, "We are not hurrying to get anywhere." If you have ever seen Ghost Dad, I felt like that.

10:15 pm - Upon escaping death we parked (another disaster that I won't get into) and headed over to Harry O's. Earlier in the day we debated whether or not to go to this thing and were assured that it was "the event" to be at. We were also assured that the LRG crew could get us on the VIP list and into the show. When we got to the door there was a line of about 500 people. Luckily (or so we thought) our guys were at the front of the line so we jumped the rail and made our way up there. As soon as we got to the front we heard, "Hey! Who the fuck do you think you are? Get back to the end of the line!" At this point Kevin (not even close to getting in) told us to stay and he would take care of it.
Kevin: This is Chris Cooley. He plays for the Redskins.
Guard: I don't care who he is. He has to wait in line!
Kevin somehow knew the owner and got him on the phone, all the while we ignored the douche bag security guard pretending like he's actually going to do something to us if we don't move. After about 20 minutes of harassment, the manager comes out, finds Chris and starts escorting him in. On the way he asks,
"How many you got?" Chris points at me and D-Watts and says, "I got 2." "Plus 10!" Kevin shouts from the bottom of the stairs. (laughs) "Plus 10." and we were in.
12:15 pm - So did we have fun at TI....
  • I ran into an old friend working security in the VIP and for about 10 minutes 8 of us took over a $5,000 dollar standing space until getting kicked out. 
  • Chris got his workout in doing quite a few one hand dumbbell presses on the dance floor.
  • Show Me the Money (Cuba Gooding Jr.) was on stage dancing with Tom Arnold and Bob and Layne proceed to yell, "What you know about Radio! is up on stage. SHOW ME THE MONEY!" all night long. 
  • White Scarf guy was also up on stage giving shout out after shout out to all his homies (he was a dorky white guy in a suit and scarf).
  • By the time we got home Chris and I had been awake for 23 straight hours. 
...I guess we had an okay time.  But, I was a tired man and was ready for bed after dinner. So I don't know if I am the best judge of the fun level. 

12:45 am - Back at Kevin's and ready for sleep.  Unfortunately for us, Bob, Layne, Nate, Josh, and Jake had already staked their claim in Kevin's house. So Chris, Watts and I got stuck in the movie room. Just so happened that the only room with the AC on and set at 60 was this room(who doesn't crank on the AC mid January). Needless to say, it was a long night.
9:00 am - After an amazing breakfast at another Utah favorite (Village Inn) we were off to the airport. "Just think, in 6 hours, we'll be home." 

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Senior Bowl

The plane jumped and juked through the air. Over 20 college football players on board clasped their seats riding out the turbulent, storm filled air. Five minutes into the decent and panic was aboard the plane, though some joked about the rough air, many were praying and some, like myself sat statue still. We flew over the gulf of Mexico to begin a week of football practice in Mobile Alabama and all that shitty plane ride did was compound my nerves heading into an unknown world of professional sports.
Playing football at Utah State University doesn't exactly garner respect in the world of professional football. Yea, I destroyed Troy State's defense, caught 13 balls in Moscow Idaho and put up three scores against the Mean Green, but seriously, we're not talking about good football here. After two months of off season work and a wild plane trip, I was ready to show off my skills against the supposed best players in college football. The Senior Bowl is supposed to be the week where draft status is earned or lost, especially from a no-name tight end out of Utah State named Chris Cooley.

Over a hundred players arrive every year into the slow, quiet community of Mobile . The laid back town is filled with some of the nicest people you will ever meet. Guys will awkwardly gather and make their way on buses over to the hotel, many wondering what to expect and some ready for a beer drinking, Hooter's eating, bowl friendly atmosphere. Guys walk into the hotel glad handing each other, many teammates and most playing against each other for the last couple years. I arrived in Mobile nearly alone, and nervous. No one gave me a beer.

The first night there is a team meeting playbook installation. Learn your shit because practice is the next day and I quickly learned that practices are full tilt, balls to the wall. There is a wall of men smothering every play, and it's not just a couple scouts, it's head coaches, offensive and defensive coordinators. There is a beat everybody's ass attitude, or go home and be ashamed of what you've done. It's a chance for small school stars to earn big time respect, to show that I don't give a fuck that someone went to Ohio State or USC. Practices really are the game and with the practice week usually ending on Thursday all the coaches head back to their respective teams. How a guy practices and works is what teams want to know.
When practice ends a job interview begins and it's a strange process because you're interviewing for 32 teams and all of them want to talk about different, weird shit. Teams schedule meetings with guys throughout the night, usually ending around 12 o'clock, just depending on how much interest coaches have in a guy. My first night in Mobile I was interviewed by only one team, the Washington Redskins. Throughout the week my solid play yielded more and more interviews. In my meetings I was asked questions ranging from "What do you think about cover 2? Tell us what you love about playing football?" to the popular "When was the last time you smoked marijuana?" Really, it's funny that they even ask you, most of the time they already know, because they've studied your life, but you look head coaches in the eyes and answer and you answer honestly. "No I've never smoked marijuana. Yes, I breathe football."

As the week concludes and coaches filter out, the idea of some relief creeps in. Of course there is still the block I missed on Tuesday against that dude from Notre Dame and the time the guy from Oregon mauled me on the one on one route, but at least I don't have Parcells' condescending fat ass staring at me anymore.

Saturday rolls around and everyone feels the same way, just play the game and get the hell out of town. Though I played every other drive, I felt like I counted down every second on the clock. The whole time wondering why it couldn't continuously run. Again, the game didn't seem to have the same significance as the week and it may have showed in my play. I managed only one catch and was beaming when I walked out of the locker room for the last time in Mobile.

Looking back the plane ride was the perfect prelude to my experience. Sometimes the way there is a bag of shaken shit, but everybody's gotta put in the work to get where they want to be. Although I cringe as I watch those guys running around in Mobile this week, it is and will continue to be one of the best opportunities to make a name in the NFL.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

FWG: Ellen is my new Boomer

I won’t say it’s tough being me. Its not. But I will say I find some hilarity in life’s everyday grind. For instance, today I am waiting to go get brunch. While my girlfriend takes nothing short of 4 hours getting ready, I find myself completely sucked in to the day’s line up of day-time talk shows. Ellen. Bonnie Hunt. The View. I like to call that Holy Trinity. 2 million housewives across the country, and one 23 year old, balding, football player. The worse part, I was completely engrossed in this, my attention broken only by ITT Tech commercials. Day time TV is truly entertainment for people saving up to win the lottery. It is mind numbing and amazing, and I sat their glued to it. Nothing else mattered besides Ellen’s hunt for George Clooney, Bonnie’s hunt (pun intended) for another dog, and The View women talking about their latest trip to the gym.
I was sold. I wanted to know how to take 4 inches of my waist. I needed to know why Nicollette Sheraton couldn’t find love. I even wanted to know how much Whoopie Goldberg weighed. Apparently this is the off-season for me. Watching pro football and the college all star games, training, and losing 4 hours of my life to daytime network television.

I tried to pry myself from the couch, but my only excursion away from the television set was to get more snacks. Call it the Oprah effect, but these women were all asking questions that I wanted the answers too. I could get the scores from Sports Center, but would Chris Berman tell me that steaming my veggies in the microwave could give me cancer? The answer is a remorseful, “No.”

So let me issue a suggestion (warning even) to fat guys everywhere: The Celtics can wait, and the Pats aren’t in the post-season picture. It’s time to figure out why your girlfriend thinks you don’t listen and why Whoppi over-eats. Add that to your daily television lineup and you will be a better man for it.

Bending the Rules


Kevin Curtis was mauled by Rodderick Hood to end the Eagles season. Coming out of the break Kev's body is flailing while he is falling down, he awkwardly lunges away from Hood's hands which are all over his back trying to drag him to the ground and as he goes to reach for the ball he can't even extend his arms. Other than a quick comment by Aikman about how interference could have been called, little was said and the game ended. All was well and we're celebrating the Cards in the Super Bowl as it's the greatest thing to happen in the NFL.

My offensive minded objectives were obliged three years ago after the Patriots decided the only way to stop the Colts offense was to tackle their receivers all the way down the field. The Patriot defense held their way all the way to a Super Bowl championship in 2004, but the groping ways of defense were soon to change. An officials emphasis was made pre 2005 and defenders were forced to actually cover guys instead of the popular strip search technique. On the change Rodney Harrison was quoted saying "It's a tough rule. Every time you knock a ball down you have to hold your breath and look around (for a flag). I just think football should be football, stop favoring offenses."

The rule of pass interference has existed in professional football since the forward pass. Actions that constitute an interference call consist of contact by a defender who is not playing the ball and such contact restricts the receiver's opportunity to catch the ball, grabbing or hooking a receivers body, or arms in such a manor that restricts his ability to catch the ball, as well as playing through the back of a receiver in an attempt to get to the ball. The rule book continues to go into detail on not only pass interference, but defensive holding. So while defensive players throw out "just let us play football" remember that all games have structure and rules and raping a guy 10 yards down a football field isn't just playing, it's cheating.

It's been three years since the pass interference/holding change was instigated and officials are already allowing more and more contact. "Go defense!" The Redskins offensive staff turned in over 17 interference no calls on just me, not all of our receivers, just #47. I understand that officials get a hard time for making calls, but it is a major advantage for a defender to have his hands all over a receiver. Instead of having to honor a receivers ability to run a great route and make a move they sit and wait at a distance they think they can grab the guy and just figure they wont get called.

I guess that until every receiver starts throwing up their hands like Curtis does after this no-call, defenders will keep getting away with this. Check out the video and tell me this is not a blatant pass interference at the 1:10 mark...

TC: 24 Hours at Sundance Part 1

3:55 am - (alarm) I made a quick trip to the head before calling Chris to make sure he's on time. He confirms that he's on the way and I proceed to meander around a house that's still asleep. I had prepared my things the night before but I still needed to go through that mental checklist before I could feel comfort leaving my home.

4:10 am - I kissed my wife and pups goodbye and I was off into the cold. When last nights sleep has yet to leave your eyes and you open the front door to 2 degree weather, it feels like you're stepping out into an Alaskan winter. Not like today's winters, but like the winters a million years ago when mammoths still roamed the arctic.

4:15 am - Chris was waiting out front and greeted me with a warm good morning grumble as I loaded my bag into his Mercedes. "How tired are you?" was my response. His answer, the gas pedal....we were off.
4:45 am - The attendants at the ticket counter seemed about as awake as we were and didn't mention that the self check in was open til after we'd waited in line for 10 minutes. Chris slid his card through the machine and was asked (by a machine) if he would like an upgrade to first class for $70 per ticket. "Fuck ya I want an upgrade!"

5:35 am - As we are getting ready to board the plane, I greatfully mentioned to Chris "I'm glad when we get on we won't have to go all the way back to 29F." Immediately after that, an announcement is made over the intercom, "We would like to ask all passengers seated in zone 1 to now board."

"That's us."

Since we had a layover in Denver, there are were two separate boarding passes. One for IAD to DEN and the other for DEN to SLC. The entire time I was in the airport I was only carrying one of these two tickets. I showed it to at least 3 security guards, one of which actually made check marks in three different places. I assumed that he was "checking" to make sure it was legit. But when we got to the ticket guy I handed him mine, which he tried to scan, looked at it, and then said, "This ticket is for Denver to Salt Lake. Do you have another one?" "As a matter of fact I do." I sarcastically told the flamboyant man taking tickets. But much to my surprise, upon pulling my ticket out of my bag my seat number had changed from 1C to 29F. So here I am, jacked to sit first class for the first time in my life and now, like a boy who got hand woven sweater for Christmas, I moped to the back of the plane and sat in my seat for the 4 hour flight. "Fuck United!" I thought to myself.

9:35 am - Four hours of Eucher poker, 10 coffee's, and a Crystal Light energy drink later, we landed in Denver. Boy did I have to spill some urine...

10:40 am - $208 dollars richer thanks to Eucher poker we I made my way off my first first class flight ever. Was it awesome...eh, I did like the extra leg room and the unlimited bags of airplane pretzels, besides that, nothing too special. I made a quick phone call letting D-Watts know we had arrived and we headed toward the door. As we were walking out the door we saw our first star. "Hey! It's Sandy Cohan!" I shouted to Chris about Peter Gallagher. Unfortunately for me, Peter heard and didn't seem to happy to be called Sandy. Needless to say, I don't have a picture of me posing with him.

This is how we got to Sundance. The rest includes getting lost in a city with a grid for a road system, some SWAG party's, a special trip to SLC for a favorite meal, and finally, the debacle that happened when we tried to get into the T.I. concert. Check back tomorrow for the rest...

Monday, January 19, 2009

FWG: Wear Your Seat Belt

Its Sunday January 19, 12:36pm, and I'm locked in the back of a cop car. How did this happen?...

Well..

This weekend me and the girlfriend decided to take another weekend trip to NH to get in some more well deserved snowboarding. Saturday morning it was a snot freezing -12 degrees out. I didn't expect it to be Miami Beach but something above zero would have been just fine.
After last week's trip, I was definitely feeling a lot more confident.

Next logical step: Hit the board park. My early years snowboarding had involved a lot of methods, nose bones, 360s, and the occasional board slide. I don't know what I was thinking. After several major diggers my pride and back were killing me and I decided it was time to retire to the "Bunyan Room" to treat my wounds. Dr. Lunn was on call, his prescription? Drink two beers and call me in the morning.

Unfortunately, that is not where our story ends. It's actually where it just begins.
Sunday night I had an important business meeting to get back to (I was scheduled to work at one of our local bars). So we decided we would forgo the 8 inches of fresh powder on the ground and make our trek back to UConn. We started out on 93 South at about 11:00am making our way through he back roads of Lincoln NH to find out desired route, noting several times along the way that the plow driver "must have been drunk" considering that the roads looked like they had been barely touched. So we get on 93, going no more than 40 miles an hour. The biggest thing on my mind was how Kurt Warner was still tearing up opposing defenses even after receiving his AARP card. And then, like something out of a bad action movie I turned to the girlfriend and said, "These people passing us are crazy. Totally unsafe. You watch, they'll be spun off the side of the road in no time." About a minute later, the Volvo in front of us brakes and so did we. Only instead of a reduction in speed (the intended result), all of a sudden our 2001 Grand Cherokee is fish tailing across two lanes, bouncing back an forth like a life size game of PONG. In a flash the car had done a 360, facing on coming traffic, and flew into a snowbank.

The next few seconds happened in super-hi-def-slo-mo. The Jeep hits. Slips. A loud thud. And we are barrel-rolling before being suspended upside-down.
I looked to the girlfriend who was breathing heavily and had my one pure moment of panic. on her windshield there was a thick-red liquid pooling. I automatically assumed it was blood. I freaked out, before realizing it was power-steering fluid. That was my holy-shit moment of the day.

I tried to undo my seat belt but it wouldn't release. Here is where I tell you that everyone makes fun of me for having a multi-tool on my key chain, but I was able to cut myself out of my seat belt. Two motorists stopped and called 911 and I was able to cut the girlfriend out of her belt as well and get her out of the car. We were alright. We walked away without a scratch. A miracle.

The cops and ambulance showed up, and this is where our scary ordeal takes a turn for the hilarious. It was absolutely freezing out, and the State Trooper told us to get in the backseat of his cruiser to stay warm. What a great guy. He gave us one piece of advice, "Don't let the door shut." He was off to direct traffic and we were left there to wonder about all the what ifs. What if my hockey skates had hit one of us? What if I wasn't wearing a seat belt? What if we had been going faster?

My girlfriend is an amazing person. She was a bit shook up, but remained incredibly calm the entire time. Fall asleep in bed while she's talking? It's World War III. Flip her car over on your Sunday drive? Just another day at the office.

I got out of the squad car to grab some of our belongings and the insurance information for our now upside-down Jeep. It was a complete mess. iPods, cell phones, everything thrown all over the place. It was like you placed the car in a giant cocktail mixer. Shaken, not stirred.

I trudged back through the snow to the cop car, got in and without thinking let the door shut behind me. After all that, flipping the car, cutting the belts, the evaluation by the EMTs, we were now locked in the back seat of a police car.
5 minutes go by. 10 minutes go by. 15. 20. Nothing. Apparently no one was wondering where the two passengers of said-totaled-Jeep Cherokee were. First off, I've never spent (considerable) time in the back of one of those things. Instead of a regular back seat, its a plastic shell. We were in there so long my butt went numb and I couldn't feel my toes. That backseat alone is the reason anyone over 6'4 shouldn't get arrested. We couldn't help by laugh. I finally convinced her to try and fit her body through the little window in the plexi-glass divider.

Finally we were rescued by a trooper who saw the girlfriend trying to wriggle her way into the front seat. He then informed us: without those seat belts you wouldn't be alive. I'll skip the details about our drive home and the insurance phone calls and calls to our parents.

Bottom line: Wear your seat belt.

Playoff Interviews: Brett Keisel

Brett Keisel: Talk to me about what you got going on man. Are these questions you made up?

Chris Cooley: Yes. In all my spare time. I don't think you'll have too hard of a time answering them.

BK: (laughs) Outstanding.
(In the midst of some early-conversation banter that has been edited out, Keisel mentions that he had just been sitting in an ice bath to aid his sore legs.)

CC: I don't understand how you can sit in an ice bath. Don't you guys practice outside?

BK: Yeah, but we didn't today. We were inside today. My legs are just worn out I guess. Do you ice?

CC: Uh, yeah. I definitely do. It sucks. We don't have an indoor facility, so when it's cold out I really don't like to get in the ice after we're done. But I can't imagine how tired you are ...

BK: Yeah, it's not too bad, I missed six games this year so I feel pretty good. I can't believe you guys don't have an indoor facility; all the money your owner has.

CC: I know. It's unreal. Well, we practice on, I guess we practice on a flood plane. There's a creek behind our field ... the only turf field we have is an ACTUAL AstroTurf field. I mean it's not even field turf so ... we usually don't use that one either.

BK: Maybe all you guys can chip in and get yourselves an indoor facility.

CC: (laughs) "Hey Dan, why don't we all give you some money and maybe build this thing." I was gonna tell you too, it's crazy that you grew up in Greybull (Wyoming).

BK: I know, 'cause you grew up in Powell right? (54.6 miles apart)

CC: I grew up in Powell ... I have little league wrestling medals with a grey bull. It's not a circle, it's a bull. Well it's kind of funny, we both grew up in Wyoming, we both went to college in Utah, my family all thinks that we should be best friends. Do you ever hear that? I'm like, I haven't even talked to him.

BK: We are best friends Chris, we just don't know it yet bro.

CC: Yep, that's right. We'll hang out this summer, huh?

BK: That'd be fun man. We should go fishin' like you could take me on the Shoshone.

CC: (laughs) We'll go to the bar.

BK: Yeah.

CC: We'll pick fights.

BK: LET's DO IT.

CC: I'm in, I'll be there.

BK: Alright, buddy.

CC: You got the BYU connection. I figured you could probably make some green jello with carrots.

BK: (LAUGHS) Broccoli jello?

CC: That's it, man. So just kinda quick on this 'cause its getting kind of overplayed out, but University of Utah, you guys played them every year and we played them every year. Do you think they should of had a shot? Or do you think if BYU would have made it [undefeated], do you think they should have got a shot?

BK: I do think they should have a shot especially when a team goes undefeated and beats some teams, one team that was considered the top team in the country for a significant amount of time in Alabama, so I think they should get just as much shot as anyone, but all of this could have been easily been played out in a playoff in my opinion.

CC: Yeah, I think you're right. I think that's what it has to get to but it just doesn't seem like it will. Whatever.

BK: Well they should get a shot. No other team in the country, that I'm aware of, at least Division, I went undefeated, and they spanked Alabama so ...

CC: Whatever. When [the Steelers] played us at home this year my brother and I were talking and compared it to when BYU came to Logan (Utah State), there were that many fans in our stadium. It was embarrassing. Honestly, I'm sick about the terrible towels.

BK: Yeah, we have a great tradition of traveling Steeler nation fanatics. That's one special thing about playing in Pittsburgh is any time we go anywhere, somehow some way our fans seem to find tickets and seem to be competitive in filling the seats along with the home teams fans. So I love our fans. Definitely.

CC: Yeah, that's cool. You guys have crazy fans. Do you have any weird stuff happen to you? My new thing right now is every time I go to dinner people wanna shake hands with me ... while I'm sitting at dinner. The fan thing. Do you have any ...

BK: Doesn't that bother you?

CC: That's my biggest pet peeve.

BK: Especially when you're sitting down to eat you have food in front of you, that you're going to be putting in your mouth and some guy just walks out of the bathroom and wants to shake your hand.

CC: I know.

BK: I don't like that either.

CC: He's got his hand on his [private parts] probably.

BK: That's nasty. That is NASTY. No, but our fans our pretty cool. Most the time they don't mess with us too much but you know, we get things all the time where you just want to be alone and, um, someone kind of shows up and wants you to take a picture, or it's somebody's birthday or something like that. You know, try and make you feel obligated to do something.

CC: Yeah, I mean, you can't say no.

BK: Right.

CC: Alright. So I was just talking to Kevin Curtis and all of Philadelphia's team is growing beards right now. Who grows a better beard on your team, you or Ben (Roethlisberger)?
BK: Me by far. If you go back and look, I mean Ben is starting to mature and starting to grow a better beard, but when we won the super bowl he had that thing going so maybe it'll help them win. I don't know, but, uh, definitely me.

CC: That guy gets crazy concussions. Does he ever say anything wild when he gets knocked out?

BK: Yeah, it's kind of funny to mess with him a little bit. You know it wasn't so much what they were saying, but they come to the sidelines and they wanna know where they are, what they're doing and why are all these people screaming. (laughs)

BK: So I find that somewhat hilarious but you know ... we see it a lot, don't we, Chris?

CC: Yeah, every week.

BK: Every week.

CC: You gotta feel good about being the only team in the playoffs that doesn't have a bird mascot. I mean if it came down to the mascots you'd obviously win.

BK: Yeah, I think that interesting. Um, you know, we're playing a bird, um, if we win we're playing another bird so ... I don't know where the birds came from. Or how all the sudden they got to be mascots. I do like the Eagles 'cause I'm an American, but a Raven or a Cardinal I never knew those were tough birds.

CC: It really doesn't seem that tough.

BK: No it doesn't.

CC: Let me ask you this. Obviously everyone's impression of you is going to be, you know, a conservative, blue collar white dude. But do you have any sack dance, anything cool you're going to do? I'm assuming you're going to score a touchdown defensively. Do you guys have anything planned out?

BK: We don't have anything choreographed as of yet. We still have two days to prepare, two days to work on something, but uh, last week it was fun when I put Rivers down I had to go rowing down the river. I just thought that was a fun dance to do, but a lot of people said it was horrible and I looked really white doing it.

CC: Mmmm, I think anything you do is good. I mean if your incorporating the quarterback you could definitely, uh, simulate a pair of tweezers this week.

BK: Ya, ya, (laughs) that's nice man. Real nice.

CC: Yeah, thoughtful. Do you think this could be a game where the offense doesn't score a point?

BK: I wouldn't think so. Just because I have a lot of faith in our offense, um, I hope their offense doesn't score a point. That would be outstanding, but, uh, no I don't think so. Not with the athletes that the NFL has today. You know guys that ... playing on offense would blow my mind if you had a 0-0 game going into overtime, but stranger things have happened.

CC: Yeah, I'm guessing at least defensive touchdowns will be scored.

BK: Yeah, I think so too. I think so too.

CC: Alright dude, last question. A kind of fun thing on our bus and in our locker room are the "what if" questions or "what would you do?" questions. I know you can take this to extremely vulgar levels, cause we definitely did ...
CC: This year I did the website and it was the first year that I have really done it, and I was learning and I think everyone kind of already knows this, but I posted naked pictures on accident ...

BK: NICE man.

CC: ... on the internet.

BK: Naked pictures of you?

CC: Yeah, well, there was no face involve but there was [JUNK] so that was a real treat.

BK: WOW.

CC: Would you trade full frontal nudity for another Super Bowl ring?

BK: Yes.
CC: No questions asked?

BK: No questions.

CC: Ha. I love it. I love it. A real team player.

BK: That's right. That's right. I really want another ring. I don't wanna have four fingers left, I want to fill up the whole hand.

CC: Sounds good.

BK: So maybe that will cost me five frontal nudities. I don't know.

CC: (laughs) You'll definitely have to meet with a psychologist. I can tell you that from experience.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Playoff Breakdown Eagles vs Cardinals


Friday, January 16, 2009

Playoff Breakdown Ravens vs Steelers


TC: I Heart Ed Werder

In another post season sans Redskins there is nothing that brings me more joy than turmoil in the Dallas Cowboy organization. And who better to bring it to us than Ed Werder? You know, same guy that was called a liar by many of the Cowboys (including T.O.) after reporting on the whole Witten/T.O. debacle earlier this year. Most recently, Ed brings us this:
"I think we all know that chemistry is the problem with this team more than the schemes or anything else. Are we going to continue to allow talent to outweigh everything else in the decisions we make with players and putting the roster together? We're like the Redskins used to be when they signed every player they wanted. There's more to it than talent. It has to be more about the team."
Maybe since the Cowboys let HBO in on all of their business earlier this year they also let in Ed Werder during the season? Because there have been no formal talks between T.O. and the Cowboys. So either Ed was inside the Ranch or just wants to make this guy mad again. Maybe both? Either way, I love it. 

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Notes from Philadelphia and Baltimore weeks

I brought my own notebook to meetings throughout the season to basically write down the "footballisms" that occur every day.  It was the relevant, but not really that relevant stuff. Thought it was at least something cool to look at.  The two pages are from Wednesday meetings when we introduced the team we were playing.  IE the Ravens and Eagles.  You may have to click on the pictures to get a better look at the handwriting.



Wednesday, January 14, 2009

FWG and Cooley: The Piss Man Cometh

One thing I won’t miss: The Piss Test.

Cooley Interjection:
It is very apparent to me that we cannot get enough talk about the penis staring piss test....Never enough talk about penis' for that matter, as I well know.  But sorry for the interruption Rob, continue with your story.
Over the 5 years of my collegiate career I had my urine tested for performance enhancing and street drugs close to 15 times. That’s three times a year. There is the mandatory pee test at the beginning of training camp, and then some randomly selected moments of awkwardness as the season progresses.

Cooley Interjection:
15 times?  I laugh at that.  I easily knock out 15 a year.

Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.

I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you. 

Let me explain: No one knows the test is coming except for our medical staff. We practice about two hours and coach call it practice up (like he does everyday). He makes his announcements, gives his spiel, and then says, “The following guys go with Bob” (Bob Howard being our head trainer). Name called = go pee. You make no stops, proceed directly to the testing room. In your pads. I’m not wearing a Pizzicato (how could I pull that off all practice?), so the entire looking at my twig and berries is totally unnecessary.  
 
Cooley interjection:
I dislike the dick watcher as much as anyone, but I feel like I can play devils advocate for the story.   Consider a guy going to unimaginable lengths and wearing the whizinater out to the field every day.  He just suctions it on and goes to work....every single day... no big deal once you get used to it.  I mean, some guys might choose to go to major lengths to stay off the illegal drug list - it is a pretty big violation at any level.  If this could possibly be happening we need to reevaluate our piss man's ability to determine a real or fake.  Really, if your job is looking at wieners all day, then you will definitely see a variety of them, big ones, small ones, black and white ones, you even get the luxury of the uncircumcised ones.  Lets just say he sees an average of 10 different dongs a day.  You're telling me he can definitely, for sure, no questions asked tell if there is a fake.  I don't believe it!  The porn industry can create a pretty realistic looking member, so why couldn't a very real one be made to be filled with piss?  With this information coming to light I think sports may have to come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to expand the job duties of the piss watcher and allow him to go ahead and hold it for you.  Now that makes a good blog!  Yep, it would be awfully weird, but with technology advancing in the drug and penis industries, it may be our next and only option.  So Rob, while your penis will be free of foreign eyes, mine may be on the brink of strange hands.  

Anyways, back to reality.  When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.
"What happened Rob?"
"Nothing! No one!..."  Followed by a long, hot shower.

Cooley interjection:
I once spent over two hours in the bathroom with a large black man while I tried to overcome a case of the stage fright.  It was the off season and I had just finished up a workout, showered, pissed in the shower and got ready to head home.  On my way out of the locker room the guy grabs me and says "Glad I caught you, I would have had to drive out to your house tonight." Well, he may as well have.  I tried to piss ten different times.  It was dribbles going into that cup.  Two hours of pants around the ankles piss examination and I finally finished the job. Way fun!

Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"

How does this guy pick up women at a bar? (“So what do you do for a living? Oh, I work with piss all day. Dark piss, light piss, all kinds of piss. I’m the piss man!” Or how does he talk about his day over dinner with his wife? I don’t want to imagine those conversations.

Cooley interjection:
The guy from the Patriots tells his wife about Tom Brady's hog.  At least he's got interesting table talk.

Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.

Cooley interjection:
Yes! Female testers!

So while I will miss a lot about being a college football player; the fans, the parties, the winning, the friends. I won’t miss having another grown man admire my manhood as I force evacuate urine through ever reluctant bladder.

Cooley interjection:
Good talk buddy.  Lots of excitement thinking of amusing anatomy descriptions, female testers fitting the new job description of holder, and Tom Brady's hog on my dinner table. Wawow!

Playoff Interviews: Terrell Suggs

We want to thank Terrell Suggs for taking the time to do this interview for the Cooley Zone. Terrell is a great guy as well as an outstanding football player. So congrats to him and the Ravens for making it to the AFC championship. Hopefully you guys enjoy this one as much as our Celek interview and make sure to check out the audio at the bottom of this post. You gotta hear the part where we discuss the caterpillar that rests below his QB's forehead.

Suggs: Hello.

Chris: Hey whats up dude,  this is Cooley.

Oh whats up Chris, whats hot.

Whats up how you doin' man?

I'm chillin' man I'm just hangin'.

Dude, well thanks for doin' this. It's just for my website if that's cool with you.

No problem.

Alright so I just have a couple questions for you. Um the first one kinda goes back to the first of the year. Me and Jason Taylor were talking about you and um...

Ya.

...we started yelling T-Sizzle. And it kind of like stuck through out the year every time we saw each other we yelled T-Sizzle. "T SIZZLE!" and um, so we were wondering if guys on the team call you that?

They call me Sizz....or, ya they call me that. They call me Sizz or Suggs but mainly Sizz you know they just short it out. You know T-Sizzle, that's a lot of tongue work.

I know, but it's money.

(Laughs) I know (Laughs) but guys are gettin' kinda lazy, especially late in the year so its just Sizz.
Nice dude. Um....okay (Laughs) Do you have a sack dance or touchdown dance for this week cause if not we have an option for you.

Uh no I don't. What do you got?

You don't ever prepare one?

Say that again.

Do you ever prepare one?

No. Its kind of spur of the moment.



We think you should air fry. Like you should take a pan and air fry bacon...like Sizzle. (Laughs)

(Laughs) That'd be hot!

Maybe like 2 pans or maybe a pan and a spatula...

That, that'd be hot. Like a pan and have Ed write Sizzle

YES! I don't know if anyone would get it but I would definitely get it.

I think that'd be hot.

(Laughs) Nice dude. Alright. So um, this is kind of back to our game. Do you laugh when you line up over a tight end and it looks like a run play? Because you just pushed me in the backfield every time we ran the ball. I mean honestly, do you feel like a tight end could ever block you?

Ya there have been times when the tight end block me but we just don't wanna get embarrassed. You know you get your ass mauled by a tight end, that don't look good. You know cause ya'll are there to catch passes ya'll aren't there to block. You know so, we just try not to get embarrassed, but we don't laugh. But I did laugh when they brung in that center or whatever and put him at tackle. That was kind of hilarious. He was like 6 foot maybe 300 and something pounds and I was like "Oh my God. They got this guy at tackle."

I know and you beat him for a sack the first play. It was embarrassing.

Ya

We had no other option...

I know I know. Ya'll was down, ya'll was depleted. But I don't laugh man. I just try not to get my ass whooped.

(Laughs) Sounds good. Um what's up with Flacco's eyebrows? Do you think you could tweeze 'em out a little bit. I can't even watch him on TV.

I think so definitely, for the simple fact that, you know he's gonna be the face of our franchise. He's gotta look like...he's gotta clean that thing up. Everybody loves a the quarterback. You know look...like I said. Look at Tom Brady he's been on GQ magazine like 7 times...on the cover. You know...you know whenever he's big he's big. He's dated all the hot actresses, all the hot models. If Flacco even wanna compete to that he's gonna have to clean that thing up a little bit.

I mean he's not that ugly, but he looks like a caveman with his eyebrows.
Ya, you know you gotta trim the eyebrows up just a little bit.

Seriously. So I just two more questions for you. The championship games involve three bird teams. The Eagles, Cardinals, and Ravens. Just comparing mascots, who would win and why.

Oh man I think our mascot would win for the simple fact of his name. You know his name is after Edgar Allen Poe. So you have some history there and anywhere you got history...you got tradition and we got a tradition of whoopin' ass so I think our bird would win. You know, no disrespect to the other two birds, we love 'em, and I think Poe would get 'em.

Nice dude. Last thing. I was just watching NFL Network and James Harrison arrogantly stated that Pittsburgh is the best defense in the league. Do you wanna rebut that or...just let it ride.

Naw, I mean, I think he can only say that cause he has a veteran offense you know. His offense is good enough that his defense, all they gotta do is not lose the game. You see what I'm sayin'so.... But with all respect due they got the number one, you know the number one in total defense but they just gonna have to prove that this week.

For sure man. Thanks a lot for doin' this I really appreciate it. 

Alright, thanks Chris

Later.

video

Marcus Schrenker

7:15 this morning.  Christy and I are sitting and having coffee.  I'm getting ready to post an interview with Terrell Suggs, she is almost on her way out the door for work (Christy works in a hair salon that her dad owns).  The phone rings and I evesdrop a conversation of "Un-Uh's" and "No ways."  Before she has hung up the phone NBC is on the TV and it's showing the wild story of pilot named Marcus Schrenker.

Before the news is able to get any further into detail, Christy tells me that she has been cutting this guys hair every two weeks for the last year and she knows him pretty well.

Without knowing any of the news details she says "He's a really nice guy, but he's always trying to get me to tell you about these crazy investments."

As we continue to watch the news we find out that he is an investment business man who is alledged to have stolen millions of dollars from his clients.  -- Good thing we didn't give him any money!  He was also supposed to be having major marital problems.  He had bailed out of his plane a couple days ago and let it crash in Alabama...  then he took a little adventure down into Florida.  He was finally found with a huge cut on his arm that was supposed to be self inflicted.

It continues to show a couple pictures of him while the story runs and Christy says "At least he has a great haircut for the news."  I haven't stopped laughing.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Smile/Kiss Cam

If this is worthy of making it on Steinberg's blog, we think it is worthy for our blog. Hopefully by know you have read about our latest hockey adventure. You know, the one where we almost stole Ovechkin's stick, left a luxury automobile running idle for 7 hours at the metro station, and made it on the jumbo tron...twice. Well Dan actually managed to get this footage and we are happy to share it.

FWG: This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

Well. I thought this week’s sign of the apocalypse was me on a snowboard for the first time in 5 years. However, in an awesome change of events some new (and less embarrassing) material presented itself. This week Obama’s stance on the failing economy got less press than his stance on (and plans for changing) the current BCS system.

Rest easy Mom’s and Dad’s. of America Who cares about that failing 401k? Corporate corruption? Irresponsible lending practices? Nonsense! Can’t make the mortgage payment? No worries!--a play off system is on its way. You already know my feelings on this whole play-off nonsense. And I understand sports as a form of escape, but how ass backwards are we when Utah’s attorney general is filing anti trust papers against the BCS instead of, oh I don’t know, prosecuting criminals?

The nation already feels bad for you Utah. So relax. And as far as Obama supporting the playoff system? I want to hear how he plans to keep gas low and John and Jane Doe from being put out on the street by Citizens Bank before I hear how he wants to take bowl games away. You know what else? I’ve seen him play pick up basketball. Rules on football should not be made by those who couldn’t last 5 minutes on the field.
You can file this under the same real issue-distracting-bullshit as congress interfering in Major League Baseball and their so called "concern" with performance enhancing drugs. That is all.

Zorn Necklace


We lost to the New York Giant on Sunday November 30th.  The game had major playoff implications and walking through the locker room the team was furious, but as we came together Jim Zorn was livid.  I'd seen coach get hot on the sideline, except that was nothing to compare to this.   He was like a dad ready to all of his little kids asses and watch us sob in the corner. "This is gonna hurt me so much more than it hurts you."

Oddly enough I was having a problem living in that same moment.  Yea, I was devastated and the thought of the spanking wasn't so great, but as I tried to stare into his eyes I couldn't distract my attention from what was around his neck.  It looked like a boondoggle that a third grader would have made, eccentricly braided together and full of different colors.  It was a smiling train wreck staring me down in the middle of defeat.  No matter what I did my eyes did not deviate from that necklace and as I made my trip home I kept wondering why the hell he had that crazy thing around his neck.

Throughout the rest of the season I would notice that Zorn always had one of these necklaces on, meetings or practice it was there.  I really hadn't asked him about it as I was well aware that he has some uncommon ideas going on in his head.   

"Click" remote control to the end of the season...  ...The day after the last game is always a team meeting. Much yearbook signing day at the end of my sophomore year of high school where you really don't need to be there, but the last day wrap up has been made madatory.  We meet as a team, but it's for about five minutes and then for some reason guys seem to loiter about like there is something waiting for them.

I was bullshitting with a couple guys about an hour after the meeting, kind of sharing off season plans and was surprised by a light tap on my shoulder.  It was a short dark haired woman I've never seen before and at first thought I figured I had just gotten in her way.  There's always different people doing business around Redskins Park and they usually leave the players alone, but she wanted to talk to me.  As I turned to look down at her I see one of Z-man's crazy necklaces in her hand.    We started talking and she begins to explain why Z is wearing one of these necklaces.  While she is doing this Z himself walks into the middle of the conversation, bandwaggoning the necklace lady as well as heightening my attention level.
She went into thorough detail about the body balancing titanium in the Phiten necklaces and how much this can help not only working out, but on the field.   With Zorn there she continued talking about all the different Phiten items that would be able to help me out.  There were T-shirts, calf sleeves and wrist bands that she had brought to the Park.  So before I knew it I had my new necklace around on and a bag of all kinds of Phiten shit to try out, as well the full scoop about the benefits and possibilities of Phiten.  

So we'll see where this takes me.  The necklace hasn't come off for the last two weeks and I'm not sure if I'm more balanced, but it is pretty damn cool.  I have worked out a couple times, but after deciding to write about the Z necklace I'm inclined to begin scientific research to find out if it really works.  Should be interesting. 

Monday, January 12, 2009

Playoff Interviews: Brent Celek


Congrats to Brent Celek and the Eagles on making it to the NFC championship. He scored a big touchdown yesterday helping take down the Gmen and now he visits The Cooley Zone for a interview.  Not only is he a great guy as well as a great dancer, he is also funny as hell.  We had a solid talk about the toughest D-ends, how bullshit 3-4 defenses are for tight ends and how we possibly have the worst bodies in the NFL.  At least it's obvious we're not on performance enhancers.

Cool - We watched you on film all year in the Redskins tight end room we had to have a nickname.  Obviously you have been called Tom before, but do you have anything else to go by?
Magnum PI -  Not really, guys joke around and call me Magnum PI.  I can't grow out the mustache, I've tried, it's so bad!


Cool - In our playoff analysis Colt Brennan boldly claimed you were "not only a great guy, but a great dancer."  Yoder and I confirmed you were the best.  Do you have any patented moves?
Magnum PI - I call it the single arm dumbbell press.  When I get annihilated and start to go back to that move I know it's time for the end of the night.  

Cool - Philly --- Best or worst fans in the game, you know I'm gonna say worst, but I'll give you a shot?
Magnum PI - There the best fans dude.  Best fans ever.  They're very critical and support us no matter what, but when things are good, there great.  

Cool - If this game had to come down to a WWF royal rumble Celek vs. Lenard Pope who wins and why?
Magnum PI- I would definitely win.  I would suplex him.  His long arms scare me.  I think he's like 6' 10", but I think I could take him.

Cool - I didn't catch one touchdown from our quarterback all season.  How were you able to get so wide open on the goal line?
Magnum PI  - I've only scored two touchdowns this year and both on the same play  Pass 64 Z corner.   I think the key on the goal line is to outside release everything.  Even if its a nine technique, outside release.  If the inside backer who is supposed to cover you sees you go outside he always think you are blocking and lets you go.


Cool - Before we played the Cardinals this season Adrian Wilson blurted out that he would kill me on the field in a radio interview.  Are you intimidated by his play at all?  If you're 1 on 1 in the open field do you juke or go head first?
Magnum PI - I think Adrian Wilson is a great player.  He got pissed of on a touchdown when we played them earlier this season and on the field goal the next play he absolutely almost ripped my helmet off. It scared me a little bit. I got to give it to him, he's a beast. (Sighs) I'm not a big open field juker so I would probably put my head down.

Cool - Kurt Warner will be praying pretty hard for a Cardinals win.  How do you overcome the will of God?  
Magnum PI - Haha. I think Dawk's gonna be praying harder for a Eagles win.  


Tomorrow morning check the audio feed of my phone call to Terrell Suggs on Shutdown Corner.  "It's hot." And stay with us for many more playoff interviews.