Saturday, June 28, 2008

TC: Dun dun DUNNNN!!

I have always wondered why Chris got the nickname Captain Chaos. Chris tells the story going like this: "I was a captain for the St. Louis game (bacon eating contest) and just before we went out, Koz dared me to introduce myself as "Captain Chaos." As I shook everyone's hand I said 'Hi, I'm Captain Chaos.' Since then the nickname has just sort of stuck." I have to call BS on that. Koz had an ulterior motive. There's no way he pulled Captain Chaos out of his ass like that. He must have had a plan. So I decided to do some research this afternoon and I may have found the answer to the origin of this so called dare.

Koz was born in 1970 making him 11 when Cannonball Run came out. I am guessing that it was a family favorite. I would actually venture to bet good money that Koz wore this costume for one or more Halloweens. I would take even further and say that this character made such an impact on Brian that 26 years later he dared his BFF to take on Victor Prinzi's alter ego, Captain Chaos, so that he could keep it alive forever. Dun dun DUNNNN!

So now with the mystery solved, let us all enjoy the original Captain Chaos, Mr. Dom DeLuise.

Friday, June 27, 2008

TC: Goodell on rookie pay: 'There's something wrong'

Roger Goodell finally came out and said what my brother wrote about two months ago. He covers many of the same topics as Chris did stating that unproven players are over paid and that there is a flaw in the system. Looks like someone has been reading Shutdown Corner.

CHAUTAUQUA, N.Y. -- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said it's "ridiculous" to reward untested rookies with lucrative contracts and wants the issue addressed in contract talks. "There's something wrong about the system," Goodell said Friday. "The money should go to people who perform."

Goodell referred to Michigan tackle Jake Long's five-year, $57.75 million contract -- with $30 million guaranteed. Long was the first overall draft pick by the Miami Dolphins in April. "He doesn't have to play a down in the NFL and he already has his money," Goodell said during a question-and-answer period at the end of a weeklong sports symposium at the Chautauqua Institution. "Now, with the economics where they are, the consequences if you don't evaluate that player, you can lose a significant amount of money. "And that money is not going to players that are performing. It's going to a player that never makes it in the NFL. And I think that's ridiculous."

Goodell said he favors lowering salaries offered to rookies, but allowing a provision for those players to renegotiate their deals after proving themselves on the field. Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press

All I have to say is thank you Mr. Goodell for listening. Now go do something about it.


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Taking out the Trash

Christy and I moved into our new home last October. Since moving in I've decided it's the greatest house ever built. Of course I'm biased, but it really is a resort turned into a home. I could stay there for a month and have no complaints. Well, actually, only one complaint! At some point every couple weeks I have to deal with my trash. The new house we moved into is at the end of a quarter mile dirt road. There is no public trash removal at the end of our little road, at least not within a reasonable price range. I mean, I can't justify paying more than a couple bucks for someone to drive by and pour my trash into a truck. So I looked for practical ideas of dealing with the garbage. For a while I would take a bag or two every couple days to Redskins park and illegally dump in their bins. That ended up being too much work. Then, I thought the Mormon church might be a good option because it's closer to my house, but it seemed like they always have people lurking around watching what's going on. Finally I broke down and bought a pair of black beauties and decided I would make it to the dump every couple weeks. Now my pick-up has become the dump runner. The bed smells horrible and I sometimes spill trash on the sides but I have actually given it the sole designation of "garbage truck." The ways diesel prices have soared have frustrated me enough to protest driving my truck and use the alternate Mercedes. Ya, real bummer I guess. I gotta hand it to the truck though, I can load some serious trash in the bed. The last month has been hell as far as making garbage runs. With the wedding going on we had so many people in town, thus much more garbage. Then we got home from the honeymoon and paid the price of wedding gifts by breaking down and recycling what seemed like hundreds of boxes. I have made three trips in the last three weeks, but two days ago I took the mother load of trash.

The back of the truck was piled so high with junk that the trash actually would not allow the truck to go more than 25 mph. Any faster and I was losing garbage left and right. Obviously I couldn't have known this and had to learn it by trial and error. After made stops along the road to pick all kinds of flying debris I decided that it was better to create an angry line of traffic than to be the "Guy littering all over the road."

Once I make it to the dump I have quite the system. I can maneuver the truck within inches of the garbage bins on the passenger side. The first couple times I pulled up to the driver side and squirmed my way to the bed, but quickly learned that wasn’t the way to go. Because of all my great football strength (i.e. workout video part 2) I am able to muscle the black beauty up over the edge of the truck, easily pouring out all contents. It's tough to keep the little bits of garbage to keep from spilling along the way, but a good pair of gloves keeps the stink off the hands after picking items up. I'm also working on the trading autographs for the dumping costs. Our agreement hasn't worked out yet, but I feel good about it in the near future. My negotiating skills are too good and I feel like my auto's are in high demand at the dump. All in all I manage to make a dump trip in less than half an hour. I definitely don't love it, but it's a mandatory chore.

Update: The Washington Post liked this one

Sunday, June 22, 2008


Get a jersey before the season starts at Shop 47!
Authentics - $200 originally $350
Pro bowl jerseys - $200 originally $350
Replithentics - $100 originally $125

We also added some new items.
Mini helmets - $50
21 pro bowl authentics - $250

All items may be customized with a personal message from Chris. And this week only, if you order 2 or more jerseys we'll throw in a free white CC47 T-shirt! Submit personalized messages to and shirt size if applicable.

Friday, June 20, 2008

At Eastern Motors…your job's your credit

So I have a big decision to make, or at least a fun decision. I was kind of torn between two nicknames for my new Eastern Motors commercial. I figured everyone on the site could help me out. I've been driving a Mercedes CL550 from Easterns for over six months now and done nothing more than sign a couple footballs for them. I guess now it's my time to do some singing and dancing. "At Eastern Motors…Your jobs your credit."

Yesterday I drove down to the Eastern Motor dealership in Tysons Corner and we started working some of my ad stuff. We got a little bit stuck deciding between two nicknames. Robert, the owner asked me what I wanted to do for a character a couple months ago and I thought it would be cool to be John Wayne. I mean, John Wayne is a bad ass. I think I could try to fit that mold. The problem was with the costume. We thought I would look too much like a cowboy, which would be a disaster. Our other option was "Ice Man" Val Kilmer's character from the movie Top Gun. The Ice Man is pretty cool; he's got some tight aviators and can wear a cool leather bomber jacket. So for right now it's up in the air, but I think it would be awesome to say, "Hey baby, I'm John Wayne!"

It would be great to hear what everyone thinks about the nicknames and what I should be for the commercial. Once again, I would like to thank everyone for reading the blog, your comments make it so much fun to keep posting. Whatever we choose should be pretty funny. I'm sure I'm going to look like a dumbass and I'm gonna take a lotta shit for it, but who wouldn't do it for that Mercedes.

Finally I want to thank Easterns for bringing me in as part of their team. They have been nothing but amazing to me. Anything I have needed they brought straight to my house. If I have family in town they bring out a car out for them to drive. I backed the Mercedes into my truck and it was fixed and returned to my driveway in less than a month. (17,000 dollars in damage.) I even received an Eastern's golf cart for my wedding present. They've never asked questions, just pretty much hooked me up. Robert and the guys have treated me so well and it's been really cool to be a part of their family.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Yode's Corner: The Practical Joke

The NFL is full of pranksters and jokers (so is the MLB). Really it's men that play a serious game for a living filling in the boring times by acting like school boys and having some fun. In the 8 years I have played I have seen, experienced, and heard about some funny jokes that have been played on guys. Usually the jokes start out as simple humor but most always get escalated into elaborate retaliatory strikes that eventually will cross the line of good taste. Which leaves me to classify the pranks into three groups, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First let us examine the good. One of the longest running and most tasteful of jokes in the NFL comes on Thanksgiving. This one is aimed mostly at rookies but sometimes you might catch one of the veterans sleeping. You have one of the coaches tell everyone that they are giving out free turkeys to the players at a local grocery store. You might add a flyer in the lockers to make it look more official. In order to catch guys in the act, a hidden video camera is set up to catch the expressions on the guy’s faces to come to the realization that there are no free turkeys. Most guys will try to deny they went to pick up their free turkey, and then the tape rolls in the team meeting to see who fell for the prank. Simple pranks also include hiding clothes, car keys, and sometimes their actual vehicle might be subject to relocation. I've seen a giant tape ball about 2 feet in diameter with a players car keys somewhere in the middle, which could take quite a long time to unravel.
Next we have the bad. These pranks involve more thought and scheming, they may come close to crossing the line. Most of the time the recipient will spend a great deal of time and effort to recover from the experience. One specific example would be when a player walked out to the parking lot to discover his vehicle on cement blocks with no wheels. To his dismay he had to then locate his tires, which he found in his locker. After wheeling all the tires back to his car, he spent the rest of the afternoon reinstalling his tires before heading home.

Another example involves altering guys clothing before road trips. In the rush to get ready to get to the airport, guys have found their dress socks with holes cut out of the toes or their shoelaces snipped so as they tie them, they pull the entire lace from the shoe. Buttons also get removed from dress shirts and ties have been cut in half and taped back together. This counts as personal property damage, which doesn't sit well with the guy that just spent $200 on a new tie. With no time to correct the problem, the player has no choice but to wear what he's got because the flight is leaving with or without him.

Now for the ugly. These can be hysterical as long as you aren't the recipient of the prank. These definitely cross the line, usually involving bodily fluids, feces, or road kill. I've witnessed feces in a bag, placed in a shoe, the bottom of a locker, and even a guy’s helmet. The player that goes to put on his helmet and finds a bag of shit on his head is not going to be a happy camper. The usage of dead animals has also found a place in the locker room. This has consisted of rats, fish, and even a possum have been placed in guy’s belongings or cars. The stench that emits is enough to make you puke once it has been discovered. This can take hours, even days before the culprit is found.

The latest in this line of pranks was the placement of someone’s car keys in an empty Gatorade bottle; the bottle was then filled with urine and frozen. Defrosting piss can be a daunting task just to recover your keys. Not to mention the psychological damage that it has incurred with the thought that every time you start your car you are touching keys that have been immersed in another man's piss.

The good, bad, and ugly are just a taste of the pranks and jokes that occur in most NFL locker rooms. During a grueling, mundane, and exhausting season of football these occurrences are a way to keep the atmosphere light and upbeat. So for all you 9 to 5'ers watch out for your co-worker in the cubicle next to you, he may have pissed on your keyboard, now go wash your hands.

Thanks again to Todd Yoder. We will continue to post as he continues to write.

The Cooley Zone: A day at the track with Dale Junior

"Getting bored with the interview I casually strolled toward the garages. I popped in and out, witnessing the crews working on the cars and shortly found myself wandering into the open garage of Tony Stewart. No one was home and I figured if I could just look like I knew what I was doing it would be safe to snoop around. Rooting through Tony's toolbox was a much bigger rush than I expected and looking back I wish I could have returned home with a souvenir; at least a wrench or something."
To read the rest check out Shutdown Corner. Thanks

Monday, June 16, 2008

10 questions with Jason Campbell

1. With Clinton Portis suffering from MPD back in '05 (Southeast Jerome, Sheriff Gonnagetcha, etc.) and #47 being known as Johnny Whiteguy and Captain Chaos, what nickname/personality would you adopt for yourself that you would like to stick with the fans? Southeast Jerome gets to arrest a lot of people. I would get to arrest Captain Chaos for causing a lot of problems around the Redskins Park.

2. With the game on the line, if you could throw to any receiver, past or present, high school, college or pro, who would that receiver be and why? I love all my Redskin receivers, but I would have to go to someone in the past. I haven't actually thrown to him, but I would love to take Jerry Rice. Currently I would have to go with the man in the middle. He tortures linebackers. On the inside he manhandles them one on one. Cool dog is a sledgehammer.

3. Jason, have you ever smelled the back of your left hand (the one that's securely lodged under the center's sweaty butt crack the entire game) after a game? I would imagine that hand would have to go through a thorough decontamination process after every game and practice. For everyone to know if you don’t take a bath your butt crack stinks and I think that's what Rabach does to me. Imagine sweating for 2 hours and you're Casey Rabach and you're really hairy and stinky. Rabach has even farted on my hand which is a feelin that never really wears off. I can actually feel it while we’re doing this interview right now. After each practice and game the first thing I do is wash my hands of all that chaotic stuff running off his sweaty, nasty body.

4. Would you ever wear the Cooley Short-Shorts? And if you did, who do you think would look better in them? I think I would look great in the 75' Ridells. They would defiantly cut off the circulation and I'd want the medics to be near by. I do think my legs would look the best on the team though, way better than Cooley's.

5. What would it look like if you and Tony Romo got into a fight? I have to say it would look like, I would be the hulk standing 6'5" and Romo would be like Spiderman, jumping around all over the place. I'm really not worried about getting into a fight with Romo. I think Jessica Simpson and the Cowboy fans are enough for him to handle.

6. Jason, how did you meet your present girlfriend Mercedes Lindsay? First of all she might of stalked me, but on the real tilt I met her downtown DC 5 or 6 times and she wouldn't go out with me because she said I was like any typical athlete. She finally did go out with me and since then we've been inseparable.

7. Your senior year at Auburn I was convinced you were Lionel Richie's son. That being said, what's your favorite Lionel Richie song to karaoke to? Lionel Richie has come up a lot this year and if I could sing and make as much money as him I would defiantly do that. My favorite song would come from a line we hear from Santana Moss on game day, "All night long, All night long!"

8. How much do you hate Alabama and what is it like having Samuels blocking for you? Do you guys get after each other when the Iron Bowl is played? War Eagle. I have nothing bad to say about Alabama anymore, because I was undefeated against them. So there is nothing better than having Chris Samuels blocking my left side. I consider it an Alabama guy showing his support for an Auburn guy. I just expect Auburn to take over every time we play so we really don't have to get after each other.

9. JC, can you get me a date w/Colt Brennen? I guess all the girls think he's from Hawaii, and they want something new. He's really just another LA guy, but I guess we could start off the bidding with 100 dollars a date, payable to Cooley's site. Hahaha, just kidding.

10. What food was better Cooley's wedding or Randy Thomas' back yard BBQ? It's two different occasions and the food at Cooley's wedding was amazing. I'm a southern guy though and Randy cooks baby back ribs. I would take ribs any day.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Cooley Zone: Remembering Strahan

Thank God Michael Strahan is retiring. He's doing me a favor by relieving plenty of stress from my life two weeks a year. Number 92 has beaten my ass enough times for any 36 year-old man. I'm happy I don't have to worry about it anymore, but at the same time I'm a little disappointed. With this offseason's retirement of Strahan, as well as Brett Favre, almost none of my childhood idols are left in the game. The fact remains, though, that Michael Strahan has been, and in my opinion still would be, a major force in the NFL.

In my eight Skins-Giants matchups I would define Strahan as the most intelligent defensive player on the field. I guess that's bound to happen toward the end of a fifteen-year career; a career that began after the 1993 draft, about the same time I was finishing up the sixth grade. He made his first pro bowl shortly after I wrapped up my first season on the Logan High freshman football team. Even better, No. 92 set the NFL record for sacks (22.5) and was named Defensive Player of the Year while I sat the bench on a below-average Utah State squad. As I entered the NFL, Michael Strahan became a looming standard of competition. He played at a level far above anything I'd ever seen before and keeping up with him has made me a better player.

One of my favorite memories of Strahan happened last season at FedEx field. Right tackle Jon Jansen suffered a season-ending injury two weeks earlier and our offense was having some problems controlling the right side of the line. We had built ourselves a lead in the game, but it quickly diminished as our offense became extremely conservative. Throughout the second half I stayed in from my tight end position on third downs to pass block Strahan. I had mixed things up and held my own, but in the fourth quarter there was a breaking point.

We finished up a second-down run for nothing and were facing another third-and-long. Michael looks at me and says, "Cooley, I know you've been stayin' in blockin' me all day on third down. You ain't gonna block me anymore!" I didn't give up a sack, but I may as well have. Strahan collapsed the pocket and as Jason Campbell tried to get rid of the ball he fumbled. On the way back to the sideline I hear a voice behind me saying, "You better start running some routes ‘cause you're not here to block me!" As I looked over my shoulder I will never forget that big-ass Strahan grin.

Putting in a game tape of Giants film, the first thing a player will notice about Strahan is that he is a yard in the backfield before most of the offense has moved. Someone might guess he has a spy in the huddle telling him the snap count, but he is just that fast. Whatever football sense he has developed has allowed him a huge advantage getting off and getting around the ball. Pair his knowledge with an uncanny ability to explode 260 pounds around the football field and he is remarkably hard to control.

The Redskins faced the Giants later last season on a miserable windy day in New York. Before we handed the Giants their second-to-last loss preceding the Super Bowl, a Big Blue hand fell on my shoulder. Michael Strahan was there to tell me congrats on making my first Pro Bowl and then something I will always remember: "Good luck." Then he looks toward my eyes and says, "You deserve everything, Cooley. You're a great player."

Well, I'm sure Michael has heard this before, but I want to say it. He deserves everything. He has always been a great football player.

Posted on Yahoo's Shutdown Corner last Wednesday.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ask a Redskin

The Q and A portion of this blog has been amazing. I have loved reading and answering everyone's questions but it is however, time to branch out and give you the opportunity to ask another Redskin his opinion. This time it is Jason Campbell's turn. We have an autograph signing together this Saturday at PSGameGear in the Dulles Town Center Mall from 1-3. We will discuss all the questions there. So here's how this will work:

  1. All questions should be directed to Jason Campbell.
  2. You post your question in the comment section of this post by Friday .
  3. I will pick the Top 10 questions on Friday night, June 13.
  4. Answers will be posted Monday morning, June 16.

Now I don't want nor will I ask questions that Jason gets all the time. We want you to be creative. So please ask questions you have never heard Jason answer and will probably never get asked again. To help stimulate some creativity, enjoy watching this classic from Bog TV.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

TC: Bring on the Hot Pants

Little does everyone know that the man soon to sport these short shorts in a few weeks also started the single greatest tradition in USU football history. "Tight End Tights Day."

The day only comes once a year with generally about 5 participants wearing a full suit of "man tights." The equipment manager issues the infamous spandex in late October and the team wears them under their uniforms when it's cold. After 3 years of wearing these navy blue butt huggers, Chris decided it was time to break the mold. Turning heads of the entire team and staff, he walked onto the field in nothing but his practice jersey and a pair 1980's black spandex complete with neon pink, green, and yellow lightning bolts electrifying the legs (not team issued). This was only be the beginning.

A year after Chris graduated, I began my football career by hearing nothing but "what are we going to do for tight end tights day. We have to top Cooley's lightning pants." Yes the lightning bolt show that occurred the year before would be hard to top but we had the perfect plan. Our defensive line coach, Tom McMahon, hated TE tights day so bad that for the last week of practice he refused to walk through our section of the locker room. The opportunity this presented was too good to resist. So, we had a senior tight end iron on "I heart Mac" on the butt of his spandex which embarrassed Coach Mac so bad that if he reads this today, his face will still turn red.

Before writing this I spoke to current USU players and they have informed that TE tights day lives on. So with the season fast approaching I felt it was time to address the issue of Chris starting a new tradition, Short Shorts Day. With Chris and Coach Zorn working as a team, there is no reason these babies can't make a comeback. Thanks 27 years ago to the Seahawks (and whoever saved this video), here is an ode to that classic look.

We have added another blogger to the site. Tanner Cooley (Chris' brother) will also be posting on the blog. Hope you enjoy.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Back to Real Life

I have a wine festival, a Foreigner concert, and two Redskin OTA's under my belt and it feels like I just stepped off the plane from the greatest week I can remember. Pictures and one bad ass suntan are the last memories of the honeymoon. For a week of doing almost nothing but laying around it seemed to go by extremely fast.

Christy and I left the Lansdowne Resort the morning after the wedding at 6:00 to head out for the Bahamas. That was pretty early for a guy who had danced his ass off in a nothing more than a tuxedo vest only six hours earlier. To my surprise I was the one dragging her out of bed. On the way out the door I laughed, Lansdowne had given us the beautiful honeymoon suite and I had only made it from the door to the bed. It would have been nice to enjoy a relaxing morning, but by 8:00 a rough looking woman named Betty was showing us how to fasten seat-belts.

I know I might be popular in the football world, but to my surprise I was greeted as "The football player Chris Cooley?" upon our check in. We even had a "Madden" PlayStation discussion on the way to the room and I learned that if you're playing with the Washington Redskins then throw it to the triangle on third down. (The triangle is Chris Cooley) I mean, come on, everyone should know that though. Maybe Jim Zorn can take a vacay down to Atlantis and learn exactly how to throw to the triangle on third down.

We started every day in Starbucks. I stuck with the Vente Iced Americano and a blueberry muffin which is, in my mind, the best way to start off any morning. We wandered to the beach for a couple hours most mornings after coffee and lounged around. I even managed to finish off three books, the most reading I've done since college. By the time it got too hot we would head off for the best part of the Atlantis resort, the lazy river. I could have spent all day in that thing. I mean huge waves, water slides, rapids, and a beautiful bride on my tube was all I needed for the vacation.

We spent a little time in the casino. Lost at blackjack, won at roulette. If anyone wants any lucky advice, we played the same twelve numbers every time. 3,5,7,11,17,20,21,23,28,33,34 and then combined the 10-13. There is part of our life behind every one of the numbers and Christy and I spent about an hour deciding on the perfect ones. It might seem a little boring to keep the same bets, but in one stretch we won 8 times in a row.

Other than our projected 2 hour plane ride home turning into 6 the trip went perfectly. Christy's mom and dad picked us up and we were on our way home to open the presents. The most original was from Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post. A cheese cutter so every time we "cut the cheese" we could think of him. Thanks Dan!

So I guess its back to real life and with training camp around the corner hopefully being a married man will help me be a better football player. It sure has been a fun and exciting couple of weeks and I couldn't be happier.